“She’s in a better place,”
“You need to let go and move on.”
“She wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
If you’ve lost someone you love, then you already know how much these words can hurt.
Because what do you mean when you tell me my daughter Cynthia is in a “better place,” while you are out living your life, traveling, cooking, laughing, and calling your own child just to hear their voice?
In fact, a woman once said to me, “Oh, I wish Cynthia had left a child behind,” all in the name of offering condolences. That sentence hit me like a brick thrown straight into an already broken heart. When I hung up the phone, I just sat there and whispered to myself, how dare she say that to me?
Now the truth is, I genuinely believe most people mean well. They want to comfort you. They want to say something that helps. And I understand that deeply, because I used to say some of those same things myself before I knew better. So this is not about blame. But when you know better, you do better.
A lot of these responses come from never having experienced a loss that deep, or from the outdated idea that grief should be quietly contained, something you “get over” while carrying on with life as though nothing has changed.
But I’ve learned over the past 9 years that grief doesn’t respond well to being managed or minimised. You don’t tell someone how to grieve. When you do, you place an unbearable pressure on an already fragile heart, and it can make the person feel like something is wrong with them for simply grieving.
And honestly, this is part of what everyone should know about grief: it cannot be rushed, fixed, or shaped into what others expect it to look like.
So in this article, on what everyone should know about grief, I want to share some of what I’ve learned through my own journey. I hope that it brings a bit of relief if you are currently grieving, and also offers a clearer understanding for those trying to support someone who is trying to find their way through it.
1. Grief Does Not Follow a Timeline
One of the first things that everyone should know about grief is that it has no specific timeline.
A lot of us have been taught to believe that grief moves neatly through stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, and that once you’ve “worked through” them in order, you’ll eventually step out of the darkest part of grief within a year or so.
But that’s not really how it works.
Grief and healing take time. Real time. Unglamorous, uncomfortable, unpredictable time. And there is no timetable for either one. No deadline. No expiration date on your pain. No moment where someone gets to look at you and say, “You should be over this by now.” That is simply not how grief works. It has never been how grief works.
We are all wired differently, and because of that, the way we move through grief will also be different. There is no single pattern that everyone follows. No neat, linear progression that guarantees closure at the end.
Only you get to decide how you move through your grief and the pace at which you do it. And even then, it’s important to understand that grief doesn’t exactly “go away.” It changes, it shifts, it softens in some places and resurfaces in others.
(I talk more about this in the article “What Healing After Child Loss Really Looks Like.”)
2. Grief is Unique to Every Person
Another thing that everyone should know about grief is that it is deeply personal and unique to every individual.
Grief is unique to everyone. Everyone grieves differently. What pulls one person through might not work for another. What brings comfort to one mother might mean absolutely nothing to the next. We have to stop measuring each other’s grief by our own ruler. It does not fit. It was never meant to.
You might be able to relate to the ocean metaphor.
Imagine yourself by the beach, enjoying the sun and listening to the calm rhythm of the waves, and then suddenly you get pulled into the ocean by a strong wave. One moment you’re fine, and the next you’re being tossed around in water that feels far too deep and powerful to control.
When those waves come, even simple things become difficult. Things you would normally do without thinking suddenly take all your strength. And in those moments, you need something to help keep you afloat.
For some people, that “life jacket” might be friends, family, a grief counselor, or even small, seemingly mundane things the outside world might not understand.
I remember I paid Cynthia’s cell phone bill for almost a year after she passed. I could not let that number go. The thought of someone else having it, some stranger answering a call meant for my daughter, was more than I could bear. So I kept paying. Month after month. Holding onto those ten digits like they were a thread still connecting us.
Just like the ocean, grief comes in waves. And in those waves, we find different ways to stay afloat until we eventually reach calmer waters.
How we do that is deeply personal. It doesn’t have to make sense to the world. At that point, what we need is support, not judgment for trying to hold on to love even when we can no longer hold it physically.
3. Grief Needs Presence, Not Advice
One of the most important things that everyone should know about grief is that a grieving person doesn’t need instructions or explanations. They need presence.
A grieving mother is not looking for a destination. She is longing for a presence. She does not want to be reminded of where her child is. She wants, even if just for a moment, to forget that they are gone.
So instead of telling her that her child is in ‘a better place’, just remind her that you are there. That is enough.
I’m reminded of the people in my life who actually did it right, and I’m filled with so much gratitude.
I have friends, and even some of Cynthia’s own friends, who call me on her birthday just to say they are thinking of me. Some send a simple text message: “Mummy, I know.” Others say, “I love you, Mum.” No explanations. No advice. Just love showing up exactly when it is needed.
Those moments mean everything.
And that is exactly why I created One Day One Mother (ODOM), because grief is something most of us do not know how to navigate until we are standing right in the middle of it.
We all grieve differently, and there is no perfect script. But there are better words. There are kinder ways to show up for someone who is hurting.
4. Grief Comes in Waves, Not in a Straight Line
Another thing that everyone should know about grief is that grief comes in waves.
Special dates like birthdays, anniversaries, or even something as simple as seeing their belongings can reopen wounds you thought had settled. Grief doesn’t follow a clean “before and after.” It rises and falls, sometimes without warning.
There’s nothing like “moving on” or “letting go.” Yes, we can move forward and learn to carry this deep love alongside the pain of loss. But you don’t just move on from it or let it go. This is not like losing a job or walking away from an idea that didn’t work out. This was a real person. A real love. A real life.
I cannot fully explain what it felt like to stand in front of Cynthia’s things, knowing she is never coming back to claim them. Her documents. Her papers. The carefully kept records of a life that was building toward something beautiful.
And then, her diplomas. Not one. Two master’s degrees.
I would pick them up and just hold them. Staring at her name printed there so proudly, thinking about every late night she pushed through, every sacrifice she made, every obstacle she overcame to earn not one advanced degree, but two.
She was brilliant. She was determined. She was going places.
And the cruelest part of grief hit me hardest in those moments, the knowing.
Knowing how hard she worked, and knowing she never got to stand in the full glory of everything she had achieved. Never got to look back at all she had built and breathe it in with the pride she had rightfully earned.
Those diplomas held both joy and heartbreak in the same frame.
And maybe that is what grief does most quietly but most powerfully, it teaches you that love does not end where life does. It lingers in objects, in dates, in memories you didn’t choose but now carry. And instead of “moving on,” you learn something far more honest: how to live with love that has nowhere to go.
Not by forgetting. Not by letting go. But by carrying it gently, even when it hurts to hold.
5. Grief Can Manifest Physically
Another thing that everyone should know about grief is that grief doesn’t only live in your heart or your mind. It can show up in your body in very real, physical ways.
This is one point people don’t talk about enough.
The kind of exhaustion and fatigue that comes with grief is something I still struggle to fully explain. Your mind is racing a hundred miles an hour, but at the same time, you can feel completely drained. Sleep becomes difficult. Nights stretch long. Rest doesn’t always feel like rest.
I even started losing my hair.
Grief does that. It doesn’t just stay emotional or mental, it moves through your entire body. It shows up in ways you do not expect and cannot always control.
When I noticed my hair falling, I made a decision. I cut it. All of it. Very low. And that cut became a kind of freedom. A release. A way of saying, I am still here, and I am going to take care of what remains.
Let’s leave it at that. You can read more about this in the article “Gentle Ways to Care for Yourself While Grieving.”
What I’m trying to say is this: grief goes beyond the emotional and mental experience. It can transcend into the physical as well: your energy, your sleep, your appetite, even your appearance. And that is important to understand, because when you recognize it, you stop blaming yourself for it.
You begin to see that your body is also responding to loss. And instead of fighting yourself, you can start responding with gentleness, acknowledging what is happening, and giving yourself permission to rest, to slow down, and to seek support when needed.
Because grief is not just something you “feel.” It is something you live through; in your mind, in your heart, and in your body.
Closing Thoughts
I’ll leave you with this: Grief is not just pain, it is love.
Grief is a way of honouring the love you had for the person you lost. The deeper the grief, the deeper the love.
The journey of grief is filled with twists, turns, and unexpected moments. It does not move in a straight line, and it rarely makes sense while you are in it. But even with all the pain it brings, grief also carries something tender within it: gratitude.
Gratitude for the time we were given. For the memories we hold. For the love that once filled our lives, even if it feels like it was not enough.
Because in truth, it is never enough. We always want more time. More conversations. More ordinary days.
But when we begin to see grief as an expression of love rather than something to “get over,” something shifts inside us.
We begin to give ourselves more grace.
We stop rushing healing.
We stop judging the ways others grieve.
And we start to understand that there is no “right” way to carry loss, only honest ways.
So, whether you are the one grieving or someone trying to support a grieving heart, may this remind you of one thing: love does not end because life does. It only changes form. And grief is simply love continuing differently.
And if you are in a season of grief right now, you do not have to walk it alone.
You are welcome to join our community, One Day One Mother, a space created for grieving mothers to be seen, supported, and gently held through their journey. Sometimes healing is not in finding the right words, but in sitting with people who understand without you having to explain everything.
And maybe, just maybe, when we allow ourselves that kind of space, we learn to carry both our love and our loss a little more gently.